Today I picked up a book someone who was involved in prison ministry had given me. It's filled with stories, testimonies, and lessons learned and shared by inmates. Some are profoundly uplifting and others a bit sad -- like the story of one man who killed his father, and has chosen not seek forgiveness for doing so, and even cling to the heavy burden of guilt as a "self-imposed penance" and personal attempt to "ensure that the seriousness of this act is never lessened." I pray his heart may eventually change, though as a pastor I know that emotional self-punishment is not an uncommon response when someone has done something they deeply regret. Yet, it's a sad choice in light of all that Jesus came and did for us.
The selection I've chosen to include, however, is more uplifting. It comes from an inmate named Ken Fox and is titled, "Little Did I Know." This story (like the other) are both found in a book entitled, "Serving Productive Time," by Tom and Laura Lagana. Enjoy.
Little
Did I Know.
"For no apparent
reason I hated people. I used to be the most angry, bitter and judgmental
person on the planet. I even mistreated the few people who still loved me
despite my atrocious behavior, including the woman who I now realize is a gift
from God. She has to be an angel. How else could she have loved me and stood by
me through fifteen years of this stuff?
About two and a half years
ago I transferred to a facility nearly four hours away from home. Being cut off
from friends and family not only fueled my anger, it also gave me a reason to
distrust the supposedly merciful and loving God my fiancee loved so dearly.
Once I arrived at the new prison I lashed out at this wonderful woman:
"What do you think of your God now? I bellowed. A
cheap shot I know, but I didn't care.
Not long after that I
received a letter from my cousin. I hadn't heard from her in five years. It was
at her request, and the encouragement of my fiancee, that I looked into a
program named "Keryx" (The name of a ministry taken from the Greek
word meaning "Herald.") I asked two Christian guys in my
housing unit if they knew anything about the program. They were happy to talk
with me and without my knowledge approached the chaplain about getting me into
the upcoming Keryx weekend.
Still carrying a large chip
on my shoulder and anger in my heart, I reluctantly agreed to attend. But not
before delivering a firm warning. My fists waving in the air, I shrieked,
"If anyone tries to hug me, I swear I'll swing first and ask questions
later!" I convinced myself the weekend would have no effect on me,
and for the first day I did manage to keep my distance. I was certain that I'd
won and that God had nothing to offer me and I aimed to prove it. But on
the third day something happened. All the walls I'd built up around myself --
my false securities and all that I'd come to count on to keep myself safe and
distant -- began to collapse.
Earlier that day one of the
volunteers told me that the Holy Spirit had something in store for me. I
smiled and shrugged it off for as long as I could. After that, we were asked to
close our eyes and bow our heads. I complied and waited for further instructions.
Then, as I sat there, the room suddenly filled with unfamiliar voices. Songs of
praise ushered in an overwhelming presence of God. My heart began to swell with
emotion. I'd never felt such intense love.
At that moment the
destructive and negative feelings that I'd built up inside poured forth in
non-stop tears. I had no control over my thoughts, my feelings, or my body. The
Holy Spirit had arrived, and without a doubt, He had kicked my butt! For
the remainder of the weekend I didn't allow anyone to pass without giving them
a hug! My heart of stone had crumbled. My walls had tumbled down. The light of
the Lord illuminated my heart where darkness once ruled. Yes, God came for me
that day, and since getting a hold of me, He refuses to let go.
I still have my rough days.
The trials and temptations are still there, but the love of God sees me through
and I know brighter days are ahead. Now, to answer the question I asked my
fiancee two and a half years ago, "What do I think of her God
now?" I think OUR God is an awesome God, and I thank Him
for saving a wretch like me."
I picked this story because
I saw many similarities between his life story and my own. The keeping
people at a distance. The anger and hardness. And the crumbling that occurred
with regard to all those things when the presence of the Holy Spirit started
moving upon me and ultimately conquered my heart.
Ken Fox says that
God, "kicked my
butt." I've always told
people (I prefer wrestling terms) "He pinned me to the mat and
made me cry uncle." Because fight as we may (and we often
fight hard) -- if God has determined to have us as His own, He will have us.
And He will conquer us with a love so overwhelmingly powerful and pleasant that
we no longer desire to resist it. I pray the other man mentioned above
will one day come to experience that same love and be freed from his own "self-imposed penance" to experience the joy of the Lord, and the peace
that passes all understanding.
Living (now) in the Grace
of Jesus, Pastor Jeff
