Dear Christian Man, Why Are You So Lonely?

Greetings All!

     This week's "thought" comes to you from Nick DeCola & Ross McCall, and was taken from their blog site "Cru."   It's about men needing male friendship -- what is necessary for that to happen, and what prevents that from happening. And you don't have to be a man to benefit from what is said here!   You may be a wife, brother, sister, child, or teenager soon to be heading into manhood. Or you may have a son, husband or friend who looks down, or feels lonely, and needs male friendships to help him grow,  become more connected, and find more joy and purpose through meaningful relationships with other godly or Christian men. If so, this article is worth a read.  Enjoy.

Dear Christian Man, Why Are You So Lonely?

     Enter the search terms “loneliness” and “men” into Google and notice many options it gives you. Millions. Major media outlets including the Boston Globe, New York Times and Huffington Post have all published studies on the phenomenon of male loneliness and its potential to become a health crisis…  So, what is coming between Christian men and the sense of brotherhood they long for?

Vulnerability scares men more than skydiving.

     Men are the masters of saying a lot without giving much away.  Many men want great friendships without any risk factor. Sharing an area of struggle or telling someone that you want to get to know them better feels risky. It is risky.  People can misunderstand us, judge us or otherwise disappoint us. If we’re honest, we’ve all known some form of rejection in our lives and we’d prefer to avoid that in our future. But the ability to be our authentic selves, our good, bad and ugly selves, is impossible without vulnerability.  Too many men’s events are full of talk about how we can be warriors for God while ignoring the realities of men who are losing their battles. Our common enemy loves to see an isolated Christian, and many are hiding in the corners of our gatherings or choosing not to come.  If this is you, you’re not alone. If you’re unsure who you can be real with, ask God to point you in the right direction.

Men don’t see each other in 3D.

     If you only see friends once a week for a Bible study, are you doing life together or checking boxes? Information alone doesn’t change our beliefs or lead to transformation. Biblical truth experienced through meaningful relationship is a recipe for life change.  Snake hunting in the Everglades. Eleven hours binge-watching HBO’s “Band of Brothers” in camouflage clothing. Monday night football. Coffee and acoustic music… Do something together with no obvious spiritual value. Having fun is a spiritual activity because it lowers the defenses we often put up in small group settings and allows people to see another side of us.  Far too often we paddle in shallow honesty while craving the deeper waters of transparency and vulnerability.

     Accountability is a popular term among Christian men. If we say it enough times each week we must be doing something right – right?  The danger is that we fall into the trap of attending a weekly men’s group and confessing the same thing without committing to whatever it takes to change. It’s not authentic because it lacks the courage to look at what’s driving our behavior…  Are you willing to let others ask you questions you don’t want to answer?  Are you willing to ask someone those questions?  You might have to put your superficial friendship on the line to reach for something better, but if nothing changes, nothing changes.

Men search in vain for the “right” small group.

     Men’s groups and events abound. We often look for the perfect group based on our stage in life and our first impressions of other people in the group. But this presents two problems. We won’t feel safe with people until we’ve been through something with them. And once the perfect group includes someone as imperfect as you, it’s days are numbered. Deeper friendships take more time than we’re used to giving anything these days. They also involve working through conflict, which we try to avoid at all costs.

Men have lost the art of living for others. 

     The paralytic in Mark 2 could never have had an audience with Jesus without his four friends tearing a hole in the roof and lowering him down.  They went the extra mile.  Do you ever feel paralyzed in your life as a Christian man?  Do you know others who fit that description?  What lengths will you go to for each other?  It might be taking calls in the middle of the night, or offering to have your friend live with you while they work through something. It might be something much simpler. What’s certain is that you’ll need to do more than “like” your friend’s Facebook posts, but so will they. This pursuit of deeper relationships is how you really want to live because it’s how you were designed to live.

Men cannot become their truest selves alone.

     Many of us have had mixed experiences with male role models growing up, but if we choose to avoid pursuing male friendships we stand no chance of healing old hurts. Those open wounds will wait patiently for the chance to hit you with a sucker punch.

     At one point in my early 20's a former girlfriend nicknamed me "Desperado" after the man spoken of in the song by that name. You know, the one "out mending fences for so long" who needed to "let somebody love [him]."  I assume it was because I wouldn't let anyone get too close to me.  Of course, the rugged, independent, individualist male image isn't as prevalent in society as it used to be (John Wayne and the Marlboro Man are known to very few today), but a degree of the image still lingers in the background of the male psyche to urge men to go it alone or think they really don't need deep male friendships.

     I was once one of those men. But I've gone through enough to realize it's not healthy, nor was it ever God's intended purpose that men isolate themselves and try to go it alone. In fact, that can be as bad as friendships with men who are bad influences. It can often get us into trouble and leave us with much pent-up stuff brewing inside.  Jesus established deep relationships with the inner three (Peter, James, and John) and very solid relationships with the other nine.  And though they had their moments of disagreement and relational friction, other than Judas they were there for each other and had each other's back. Even when Jesus sent the disciples out it was never alone -- but "two by two."  We would do well to heed His method and example!

In the Bonds of Christian Fellowship, Pastor Jeff 

What Path Do I Follow

Greetings Everyone!

     Today's "thought" took me back to the days just prior to, and shortly after becoming a follower of Jesus. I was 23 and could barely think of much other than Jesus -- who He was, what He had done, what His call on my life meant, and how obeying that call would change everything in my life.  I did lose friends.  One called me a "religious fanatic."  Others politely avoided me.  And, yes, I'm not faultless. I did suffer from earnest zeal without knowledge or the wisdom that comes from experience. It's not all that untypical for a person who finally discovers that Jesus is real and wants to make sure everyone else does too (mistakenly thinking it's totally up to them). Sometimes (I have to confess) I've wished I could go back in time and approach some people and situations a bit more wisely than I did, for in some cases I'm sure I did more harm than good to the cause of Christ.

Yet, in other ways I miss many aspects of that "first love" stage. That spiritual discovery stage where everything about the faith is so new and fresh!  A time when I was less "balanced,"  had not gotten into many of the burdensome or restricting routines and responsibilities of life, and was more of an adventurer and risk taker for Jesus.  Maybe some of you can remember that stage in your life.  And if it is merely a memory, with little of it remaining, maybe you need to ask what happened to make it fade?  Do you miss it?  Have you prayed for the Lord to restore it?  Have you followed Jesus' spiritual prescription for those who have "lost their first love"  where He says in Revelation 2:5: "Remember the height from which you have fallen! Repent (for letting it happen), and do the things you did at first."   Consider this excerpt from Kyle Idleman's book, "Not a Fan," and see if you (like me) might not need to repent and seek a new portion of God's ever-fresh and spirit-renewing grace. Enjoy.

     "In Matthew 19 we find a man whose name we don't know.  We learn enough from the Gospels to know he is referred to as the "Rich Young Ruler." He's followed a path that has led to wealth and power. (That's the path most of us are trying to find.) He comes to Jesus with a question. In verse 16 he asks: "Teacher, what good thing must I do to get eternal life?"

    You have to give him credit for asking the right question. He wants to know how to get to heaven. But even the way he asks it reveals the heart of a fan [and not a follower]. He asks, what must "I do"?  That word could be translated "acquire" or "earn." He thinks it's going to be an impressive resume that will get him in. Eventually Jesus tells him what he must do. In verse 21 he says: "Sell all your possessions and give to the poor, and you will have treasures in heaven. Then come, follow me."  Jesus invites the man to become his follower, but first the man is told to sell all his possessions and give to the poor. He's faced with the choice of following Jesus or keeping his stuff, but he couldn't do both. There is no way to follow Jesus without denying himself. Many people want to make this story about money, but it's not as much about money as it is about following Jesus. Jesus puts this man at a crossroads. He can follow the path that leads to money, or he can follow Jesus; but he can't follow both.

     So what does this mean for you and me? Is selling everything a requirement to follow Jesus? Well, it may be. In fact, I would say the more defensive you are of Jesus' words to this man, the more likely it is that Jesus might be saying them to you.  What is true is that everyone who follows Jesus will find himself or herself at a similar crossroads as this man in Matthew 19.  You won't be able to take the path of following Jesus without walking away from a different path. He wanted to follow Jesus, but when forced to choose between Jesus and his stuff, he chose his stuff. He wouldn't deny himself.  What choice will you make? 

     A few years ago I was pretty deep into some tribal areas of Africa. One night I finished preaching a message to a crowd of a few dozen people. I presented the gospel and the invitation of Jesus to follow him.  There were two young men, probably in their twenties, who accepted Christ and committed to follow him. The following afternoon these two men showed up at the house where we were staying. They each carried a good sized bag over their shoulder. I went over and asked the local missionary we were staying with why they had come. He explained that these two men would no longer be welcomed by their families or in their village. When I heard that, I was afraid that maybe this was going to be more than they would be willing to go along with.  About that time the missionary said to me, "They knew this would happen when they made the decision."

     They were choosing Jesus over their families. They were choosing Jesus over their own comfort and convenience, and "fans" don't do that. Only true followers are willing to deny themselves and say, "I choose Jesus. I choose Jesus over my family. I choose Jesus over money. I choose Jesus over career goals. I am his completely. I choose Jesus over looking at porn. I choose Jesus over a redecorated house. I choose Jesus over my freedom.  I choose Jesus over what other people think of me."  A follower makes a decision every day to deny himself and choose Jesus, even if it costs everything. When we sacrificially deny ourselves for Christ's sake it is the clearest evidence of our committed love. A committed love is best demonstrated through sacrifice. When we deny ourselves for another person it communicates true love."

     In light of what he says each one of us must ask: "What path do I follow?  If love is shown by sacrifice and self-denial for the sake of another, do I show such a love for Jesus in my life?  Since I cannot follow two paths (or two Masters), when given the option between family, money, career goals, porn, freedom, a redecorated house, what people think of me, or Jesus, what do (or will) I choose?  What have I chosen in the past? Am I still just a fan, or have I become a follower? Do I admire Jesus from a distance, sitting in the stands and cheering, or have I walked down onto the field of play to become a true, committed, disciple?"   Read Revelation 2:1-7.  Do you remember the heights from which you have fallen?  Has the Holy Spirit convicted you with the need to repent?  Will you take Jesus at His word and return to, "doing the things you did at first"?

In His Service, Pastor Jeff

Act Like Men -- 40 Days to Biblical Manhood

Greetings All!

Today's thought comes to you via James MacDonald, from his book, "Act Like Men -- 40 Days to Biblical Manhood."  A close friend who receives these "Thoughts for the Week" sent it to me thinking it would be helpful for others. After reading it I also thought it could be beneficial -- to both men and women -- though it seems to be directed exclusively toward men.
     I once spoke at a conference where a married man shared that his wife was jealous because he had a close "Jonathan/David" type friendship with another man in his church. (For those who may not know what that is, see I Samuel chapters 18-20).  She even asked him to end the relationship. Why? "Because although I've told her, she can't understand that men need deep friendships with other men."  Over the years I have come to see the truth of his statement.
     And I'm not talking of friendships that cause a man to ignore his wife and children, or skip out on his husbandly/fatherly obligations and responsibilities to them. That would be wrong.  No.  I'm speaking of the need for male to male friendships, and spiritual accountability, and camaraderie, and having each other's back, and encouraging each other to do the right and honorable thing.  The type of male to male relationships that would actually enhance the marriage and prevent the enormous amount to marital/family casualties we see happening all around us in our society today.

     One of the biggest problems today (for both men AND women) is a lack of time (or priority?) in establishing good, solid, healthy, godly, soul-nurturing, and life-sustaining friendships with those of the same gender.  As I have mentioned many times, the need for paid counselors would plummet (I'm convinced) if we just had good friends with whom we could transparently pour out the contents of our soul knowing they have our back and truly have our best interests in mind.

     But this is not about hearing from me!  Sorry!  I now defer to Mr. MacDonald who prefaces today's selection with these words: "Plain and simple, men need community with other men. Loving, you-before-me, dedicated relationship. If you have never had it, or don't really get it yet, or if you had that community and lost it, you know the cavity it leaves in your soul until you discover it again."   Enjoy.

Knock off the Lies

     "As I talk to men all around the world, I discover that they are not much different than we are (here in the States).  They need the same solutions, battle the same things, and believe the same lies. Earlier in this book we looked at the satanic strategy of using lies to disguise, divide, and destroy. Let's focus on that middle word of Satan's plan to defeat you. The word is "divide" and his strategy is to get a wedge between you and men who can support God's work in your life through loving mutual community.

     As always, he does this through lies. See if you recognize any of these common lies men believe that lead them to reject community and live in isolation [from each other]:
1. Nobody understand the struggles I am dealing with. 
2. I can't trust anyone. Total honesty will be used against me.
3. If someone tries to get close to me, they just want something. 
4. People like me, but they don't really know me. I can't risk total self-disclosure.
5. I've seen Christians kick a guy when he's down. No thanks.
6. Christian men are weak, crying and confessing. Oh please!
7. If I really face my secrets, the dam will burst and I will lose it.
8. What if I make myself known and the other guys don't reciprocate? 

     I hear these lies so frequently from the mouths of men that I know they are being implanted there by the "accuser of the brethren" (Rev. 12:9).  The way to defeat a lie of the enemy is: name the lie and insert the truth.  Jesus did this in Matthew 4 when Satan came to tempt Him after His forty-day fast in the wilderness. Satan urged Him to make stones into bread and Jesus said: "It is written, 'Man shall not live by bread alone, but by every word that comes from the mouth of God' (Matthew 4:4). This happened two more times, and each time Jesus defeated the lie of the enemy by quoting Scripture. Can we afford to do less?

      What do you believe about loving friendship with other men that keep your areas of defeat isolated and unchanged?  Take the first lie above: 'Nobody understands the struggles I am dealing with.'  That is clearly untrue because I Corinthians 10:13 says, 'No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond you ability, but with the temptation he will provide a way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.' In every instance we need to name the lie and replace it in our thinking with the truth of God's Word. That's what it means to, 'resist the devil and he will flee from you' (James 4:7).

      For almost fifteen years I met with a group of men every Friday morning at 6:00 a.m.  Each man would report on what he had gleaned from God's Word personally that week and then we would pray for each other. We laughed, we instructed, we carried each other's burdens, and afterward we went out for breakfast. Looking back I regret ever breaking that pattern. I have found it here and there in other ways, but never as good as that until recently.

     The reason I withdrew from formal, regular, scheduled community was that I failed to experience the two things my doctoral thesis revealed men absolutely must experience to remain in community. First, men need confidentiality. They have to believe that what they disclose will never be shared with anyone -- not a spouse, not a cousin in a far country, no one.

     Second, men need to experience mutuality.  Men need to know that if they bring you in on whatever battles they have kept secret, you won't 'leave them hanging,' or pridefully conceal the truth about your own struggles. They need you to quickly match their personal disclosure.  'If we say we have no sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us' (I John 1:8)."

     I trust his words would prompt you, if you struggle alone and isolated (as a man) to get involved in a community of godly, transparent and trustworthy men where you can discover the blessed truth of what true Christian community is meant to be and facilitate.  If you are a woman, the same is true for you -- seek out the support of other godly women. And if you are a wife (or husband), it would be to your advantage (as well as that of your spouse) to encourage them to get involved with a group -- men with men, and women with women -- where they/you can apply the truth of God's Word to the soul in the context of confidentiality, transparency, accountability and a mutual commitment to grow into the fullness of maturity in Christ.

     And if you see that need, do not delay or put it off!   Rugged individualism and isolated independence are NOT what the Bible advocates. They are actually part of the problem.

With Prayers That You Will Determine to Make That Step, Pastor Jeff 

The True Christian Nation

Greetings All,

     Today's "thought" is just that -- some food for thought as we in the United States gear up for an upcoming election.
     At such times deep loyalties (and even friendships!) are often tested.  Emotions tend to run high as political toes get stepped on.  And because votes and political platforms are at stake, assertions are frequently made regarding the the religious/political origins of America -- including the assertion that: "America was founded as a Christian nation."  Given the current state of affairs in America even the most ardent advocates of such a view are usually willing to acknowledge it doesn't even come close in our day -- though many still continue to suggest it was in the beginning.  It's into that whole debate I offer this "thought."  It is written by a man named Arno Froese and appeared as one of the articles in a journal called, "Midnight Call."
     








It will not end all the controversy concerning the degree to which Judaeo-Christian values influenced (or were included) in America's founding document in 1776, but it does offer many valid points for believers to consider.  It was passed it on to me by a close friend, so apart from this one article I know little about the publication or its author.  Yet I felt its content (at least the parts of it I have space to include) are worth being considered.  Otherwise, amid our good intentions, we may declare or convey ideas that are not historically or biblically accurate.  Enjoy.

The True Christian Nation

"But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people belonging to God,  that you may declare the praises of Him who called you out of darkness and into His glorious light."

     "For Christians, born-again of the Spirit of God, the above Scripture gives the identity and task of the true Church on earth.  We who believe have been chosen before the foundation of the world (see Ephesians 1:4).  We are a royal priesthood.  This seems a contradiction of definition. Royalty represents rulership, priesthood deals exclusively with the things directed toward God.  We pray for the Church, for one another, and for those still in darkness. That is our task. We are to demonstrate to the world, 'Him who has called you out of darkness and into His glorious light."

     That it the true Christian nation. It has no headquarters, no elected leadership, no home address, no telephone number, no email.  This nation is not identifiable with earthly terms.  It is the Church of whom Jesus stated, "I will build my church."  He has been doing so through His servants the world over, now, for about 2000 years. The Church continues to be built on all five continents. They speak and understand thousands of different languages, hold to diverse customs and cultures, but they nevertheless constitute the holy nation -- the only real (multi-national!) Christian nation...  Particularly during the month of July when the founding of the United States of America is celebrated, there is the extreme danger of mixing our political identity with the holy nation, the Church of Jesus Christ.  James uses quite brutal language to illustrate the difference between the world and the Church. "You adulterous people, don't you know that friendship with the world is hatred toward God? Anyone who chooses to be a friend of the world becomes an enemy of God" (James 4:4).

     What is the future of this country or, for that matter, any other country in the world? There is none. It is hopeless.  Second Peter 3:11-12 reads, "Seeing then that all these things shall be destroyed, what kind of people ought you to be?  You ought to live holy and godly lives as you look forward to the day of God and speed its coming. That day will bring about the destruction of the heavens by fire and the elements will melt in the heat." The only hope is for those who have been born-again of the Spirit of God, for the next verse reads: "But in keeping with his promise, we are looking forward to a new heaven and a new earth, the home of righteousness" (V. 13).

     In reading the Word of God, believing in it, and trusting in God's only provided salvation --Jesus Christ -- our minds are continuously enlightened to the fact that our residence on planet earth is temporary. We are reminded of the so-called Holy Roman empire. They attempted to Christianize the whole world under the rulership of the church. He is an example: "And if society is to be healed now, in no other way can it be healed save by a return to Christian life and Christian institutions.  When a society is perishing, the wholesome advice to give to those who would restore it is to recall it to the principles from which it sprang." (The Great Encyclical Letters of Pope Leo XIII, "Condition of the Working Classes." P. 225).  Most Christians would agree with that statement. But while it may be well meant and noble, biblically speaking, it is fundamentally wrong.  Why? Because the Bible makes no provision for a Christian nation.

     As Al Dager states: "There is much speculation on the religious nature of the United States of America as it was founded. Many Christians assert that the United States was founded as a Christian nation, and therefore, it is not only our right, but our duty, to reclaim it for God.  But is America a Christian nation in the true sense of the word?  To call anything "Christian," whether an individual or a nation, certain criteria must be met. If we are speaking of an individual, the biblical requirements are that he must be born again by the Spirit of God, understanding all that this entails. Yet if we are speaking of a nation, its purpose must be that of ministry in the name of Jesus Christ alone, without regard to any other gods. Its primary charter must be the Bible, and all who hold positions of authority must be individuals who meet the criteria necessary to call themselves Christians (as stated above). A true Christian nation would be a theocracy governed by God through His prophets. His law would reign supreme in the hearts and minds of that nations founders, and all who founded the nation would have to meet the criteria necessary to call themselves Christians. Just as important, the nation would have to have been created in response to a covenant initiated by God with those who founded it.

     As a point of information, the Pilgrims did not found the United States. They founded a small colony that eventually got swallowed up by the states and the newly formed federal government. The belief that the Mayflower Compact was the basis for a Christian nation has caused many to attempt to reestablish what never existed -- a Christian nation based upon Biblical precepts and founded upon a covenant relationship with God. What is overlooked, however, is that the Mayflower Compact reaffirmed loyalty to the King of England; its framers never intended to found an independent state...

     Even if the initiators of the Revolution had been Christians (and as he shows, there is ample evidence to suggest that most were not. The group included a mixture of Deists, a Humanist, and many Freemasons, with born-again Christians in the extreme minority, though I do not have space to include all those details)... it was an unholy alliance at best.  Scripture tells us that God has made one nation of all: the Church.  It is the Church that is our "Christian nation," not the social and political institutions of the world (John 18:36).

     We can thank our heavenly Father that we enjoy the freedoms that this republic grants us.  But as citizens of Heaven, our allegiance if first to our brethren in foreign countries. Otherwise, we may find ourselves killing true Christians for political causes.  We must be vigilant to the dangers of becoming embroiled in political and social causes in the name of Christ, else we will find ourselves unequally yoked, storing up for ourselves wood, hay, and stubble, for the day of judgment."

     As I said -- some good points and ample food for serious consideration!

In the Service of Jesus and His Holy Nation (the Church!), Pastor Jeff