I will get right to our topic for today: SEX. Today's post is about sexual temptation. That usually gets the attention of most since it's a struggle we've all faced, or do face, being people God created with sexual desires (unless we were "born eunuchs," as Jesus put it in Matthew 19:12, or born without a desire/ability for sexual fulfillment).
This
post is lengthy, but worth reading if you are a Christian who cares about the
things God cares about, and desires to gain victory in this area. It is
one of the best pieces of advice I've read on the issue, and comes to you from Jay
Kesler. It is found in his book, "Being Holy, Being Human."
Jay (presently 83 years old, but written when he was much younger) was a
former pastor in Illinois and Indiana, a former president of Youth for Christ,
and formerly president of Taylor University. His book is honest,
practical, and helpful - a must read for the serious Christian or pastor.
It deals with Transparency, Expectations, Identity, Doubt, Money, the Pressure
to perform, and other topics as well. With that said, he speaks here of just
one on those many issues affecting holiness. Enjoy.
“We
all struggle in this area [of sexual temptation], and some have fallen,” says Kesler in a book
written primarily to pastors. “It's a serious problem, one of the most
serious we face in the tension between being holy and being human.... Given the
usual process by which sexual sin comes about, it naturally follows that the
most important part of resisting sexual temptation is to maintain a good
marriage relationship… I know that with all the demands we face, including
obligations to our children, finding the time to maintain this kind of
relationship with a spouse isn't easy — but there's simply no more important
human relationship in the world for us to maintain. It's worth the effort and
time and money it takes...
Another
big help to me in actually avoiding lust has been what I call
contextualization. I pastored a church for fifteen years, and after about the
twelfth year it dawned on me one day that I'd never had a sexual thought about
any woman in the church. That amazed me, frankly, because I'm a sexual being
like anyone else. I have sexual thoughts. I notice when I see a beautiful woman
on the street; I didn't go blind when I became a Christian. In fact, earlier in
my Christian life, when my buddies and I talked honestly, we all admitted that
maintaining sexual purity was one of the major struggles of the younger man.
Why hadn't I had sexual thoughts about women in the church? As I thought about
it, I finally realized it was because I saw each of them in context. I knew all
the people there so well that I knew everyone's husband, wife, son, and
daughter, and many of the parents and grandparents, too. No one could be an
object of lust to me without my being reminded of that person's other
relationships. I knew that everyone there was a dear person to other people I
knew and cared for. This included the women, and I couldn't look at them apart
from their contexts of family and friends. The only way you can prey on
people and turn them into some kind of objects, especially for lust, is to
mentally get them out of context. Conversely, if you think of them in context,
you're not nearly so tempted to lust.
Thus,
I find it a good practice in ministry to continually think of people in
context. For example, suppose I'm driving down the street and see some
beautiful teenager who's dressed in an attention-getting way. My automatic
response now is to contextualize her, to say to myself, “Hey, she's about the
age of my daughter. I wonder who her parents are and how she gets along with
them?” And suddenly the sexual part of it disappears. The girl hasn't changed,
but my perception has. Instead of being an object of sexual thoughts, she's
become someone's daughter, someone's little girl. The same thing is true
now that I find myself a college president on a campus that has its share of
beautiful coeds. I can't say I haven't noticed them—I'm not blind—but I can honestly
say that I don't think of them as a sexual turn-on. To me, they're all
someone's daughters, someone's sisters, someone's granddaughters. After I
realized how my mind's eye was seeing people in context, I also realized that
this is a biblical principle. It's what Paul told Timothy to do in — relate to
older women as mothers, to younger women as sisters.
I've
also seen enough lives and ministries ruined by sexual sin that that's a
deterrent for me. I've had frightening temptations in my own life that help
deter me, too; just thinking about what might have happened if they'd gone
another step in the wrong direction scares a lot of sense into me when I need
it. We might call that putting yourself in context when you're tempted.
One time when I was much younger, I was flying to Denver on business, and a
young woman in her twenties was sitting next to me. As we were flying, I
noticed she was crying. I wondered if I should say anything or just respect her
privacy. But after several minutes, I finally said, "Is there any way I
can help you?” "I don't know," she said, then looked away.
"Well, I'm involved in youth work, in Youth for Christ," I said.
"And I'd be happy to just talk to you if that would help." She
began to open up then She said she had been engaged to a young man, and she'd
just learned that he had run off to marry another woman. "The worst part
of it is I'm still a virgin," she said. She went on to say that she
had always believed that if you kept yourself pure, everything would turn out
right. Now she had decided that since a "wild girl" had stolen her
man, her remaining pure had been to no avail, and she was going to go to some
ski lodge and make up for lost time. "Do you think it's worth giving
up what you've always believed because of one painful experience?" I
asked. "I don't know," she said, then sank into silence.
Finally
she continued, "Well, where are you staying tonight?" I told her, and
she said she was staying there, too. Then she suggested that maybe after we
arrived we could "have a couple of drinks together and see how the evening
turns out." In effect, she was inviting me to help her initiate her
new lifestyle. "I don't want you to be confused," I said.
"Let me show you my pictures." I took out my wallet and showed her my
family photos. Though I didn't realize it at the time, I was putting myself in
context. Looking at your wife and children really cools a potentially hot
situation. After I showed her the photos, I went on, "I sympathize with the
pain you feel. If you need someone to tell you you're pretty, let me tell you
that you're very pretty. If you need someone to tell you you're sexually
attractive, let me tell you that you're very attractive and desirable. But if
you want me to say I'm willing to act on that desire, no, I'm not going to do
it. You're vulnerable right now; you're in a difficult situation. Further, I'm
married. I'm also a Christian. And I'm not going to do it because it would mean
taking advantage of you and violating my commitments and my faith." Then I
explained a bit of how my faith commitment guides my life.
She
was silent for a few minutes, but then she said, "Well, if I thought that
by waiting the rest of my life I could find another man who would turn down the
offer I made to you tonight, I'd stay a virgin till I found him.” I
replied, "There are more guys like me out there than you may think. I hope
you don't go through with your plan." When we got to Denver, I put
the young woman in touch with some female Youth For Christ staff, and she stayed
the night with them. They spent a few days with her and then sent her back
home. So far, thank God, I've never been given that kind of offer when I was
vulnerable. But I have been tempted, and it's always helped me to put both the
woman and myself in context... Sexual temptation is all around us these
days, and if we're honest with ourselves, we know we're often vulnerable.
In spite of all we do to avoid tempting situations, there will be times, such
as my experience on the plane, when temptation will stare us right in the face.
Our job is to prepare ourselves and keep our marriages strong before we find
ourselves in those situations so that when the temptations come, we'll be able
to maintain our integrity—and our ministries.”
A
regular reading of the news is enough to assure us this is a common stumbling
block for everyone -- Christian and non-Christian alike -- be
it pastors or the people in the pews. But I would ask you to mull over his
advice and put it into practice. For when practiced I can say from experience
that it does work in helping one gain victory. Obviously, there are other pieces
that are important, and John Piper shares an excellent portion that would be
worth your time checking out in his book, "Future Grace,"
Chapter 17, "Applying the Power of Future Grace to Lust."
These two resources read and applied could go a long way toward helping break
the addiction to pornography, or the lure of temptation which so many fall prey
to in this area. A few dollars well spent, and these two books on your reading
list, could save a lot of heartache.
Fellow Sinner in the Struggle for Integrity and Godliness, Pastor Jeff
